9823

Joke of the Day

"I've been all over the web looking for a combination fly swatter/back scratcher. I'm tired of lugging both around all day."

"[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] ""I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I'M DIVORCING YOU"""

"How many Jews can you fit in a car? Two in the front, two in the back and none in the ash tray because the Holocaust never happened."

"Two guys are walking down the road and they see a dog licking himself. First guy says, ""Boy I sure wish I could do that."" Second guy says, ""I think you should try to pet him first."""

"Do you know you can't hang a man with a wooden leg in Maine? You have to use a rope."

"THERAPIST: what's wrong? WIFE: he speaks in typos ME: EVERYTHING IS JUST FIND BRENDA! THERAPIST: ok maybe we should take 5 ME: food idea"

"What do ya call it when a lizard goes completely limp? A reptile-dysfunction."

"Why shouldn't you drink at a math party? Because you shouldn't drink and derive."

"I think my girlfriend might have an eating disorder I threw her onto the bed last night and my dog jumped up to retrieve her"

"How is ""Shark spotted swimming off the coast"" news worthy? Now if a shark was seen walking off the coast that's different."