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Joke of the Day

"Let's play a game: If you were stranded forever on a desert island and had only one book of Russian literature, how would you kill yourself?"

"Lawyers are safe company to have for girls. They will be concerned about Your Honour more than their own."

"When someone reads your message, then never responds, it's just hurtful. I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?"

"Virgins They never gave a fuck."

"I feel bad for that caveman who invented the wheel because you know his mother-in-law was all ""She shoulda married Grog. He invented fire"""

"Sometimes peeing feels better than sex. It lasts longer too."

"Recently I felt Funny and came over Queasy... At which point I was told to leave the local theatre adaption of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

"Why does Felix Baumgartner needs parachute.. when Red Bull gives you wings."

"My secretary came into my office today and asked if she could use my dictaphone I said no, use your finger like everybody else."

"[phone makes noise] [gets giddy about how popular I'm about to feel] Oh. It's an email about car insurance. [quietly dies a little inside]"