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Joke of the Day

"I hate it when I accidentally grab two pieces of pizza and then have to eat the whole thing to keep it even."

"Wife: We get 1 ""cheat meal"" on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want? Me: The waitress. ...And that's why I'm not getting laid tonight."

"I didn't realise how lonely I was... I didn't realise how lonely I was, until I decided my favourite sexual position was right-handed."

"[first date] *pointing indiscriminately* ""uh-oh looks like we're on the Kiss Cam"" there's no- *leans in* there's no Kiss Cam at Applebees"

"Is your refrigerator running? ...must've been made in France"

"Why wouldn't the vampire eat his soup? It clotted."

"What's the opposite of the word uncle-off-her? It's an aunt-*on*-him."

"Need an ark? I Noah guy"

"I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you're a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again."

"Do these jeans make me look fat? And don't cover your nose this time! -Pinocchio's girlfriend"