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Joke of the Day

"How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it, and the other to hold the penis. LADDER. I MEANT LADDER."

"Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby? Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender"

"I haven't lost my virginity yet Because I never lose"

"Why did the electron go to jail? He was charged with battery!"

"What tastes good? Popcorn."

"""Are you seeing anyone?"" Me: lately I've been seeing this squiggly floaty thing on my peripheral vision. Floaty thing: We're just friends."

"Blind Man A blind man walks into a bar...and a table...and a chair."

"What do you call a disembodied nose? Nobody nose. My 8-year-old niece claims she made this up. I have my doubts."

"I put on Shrek and fell asleep. I woke up and it was over. I ogre slept."

"Is it necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down? Not all of us are surgeons."