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Joke of the Day

"Why did the tree install solar panels? It wanted to be a power plant."

"[Phone rings] Babysitter: Hello? Dude: Dont. Go. Upstairs. Babysitter: Wha.. What's upstairs? Dude: NOT MUCH, STAIRS, WHAT'S UP WITH YOU"

"Beautiful women following me on Twitter is screwing up my perception of who will talk to me in RL. A trip to Walmart should fix that."

"Q: What's the definition of perfect pitch? A: When an accordion is thrown down the toilet without it touching the sides."

"Did you hear about the local electrician? His rates are Shocking."

"People admit to shopping for their girlfriends/wives all the time... but when I do it I get busted for ~~prostitution~~ human trafficking."

"How can you teach your child about adversity if you don't leave a diaper unchanged once in a while?"

"Reality show idea: ""So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson's Nose."" Hidden camera. Tyson isn't in on it."

"What did the 40 year old pregnant lady say when her husband asked her ""why are you so upset"" ""I'm having a midwife crisis"""

"Are you a parking ticket? Because you got fine written all over you My girlfriend told me this one today, I was impressed"