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Joke of the Day

"Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still."

"What did the poker dealer say to LMFAO? Everyday I'm shufflin'."

"Two muffins cooking in a oven One says ""fuck it's hot in here"" the other says ""Holy shit, a talking muffin"""

"Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that's not it. Keep thinking! We'll figure this out."

"Christmas Jokes (I know it's a bit late) Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naught girls live! What's the difference between snowmen and snow women? Snow balls"

"""there's nothing sexier than a chick that knows how to work on cars"" Dudes, trying to get us to do that job too."

"Why did Arnold Schwarzenegger cross the road? To **GET TO THE CHOPPA!!!**"

"An insect just came into my living room and exploded. It was a Jihadi long legs"

"I don't need to run a marathon to load up on carbs and ask someone to wrap me up in a blanket."

"I remember a time when I was much younger and had an infinite supply of drugs and booze. Then some c**ksucker cut the umbilical cord."