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Joke of the Day

"*Adding family on Facebook* Before: Fuck bitches, smoke, drink! After: I helped an old lady cross the street."

"If H2O is in the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside? K9P"

"I was going to get a face-lift but I thought about my health and went for face-stairs instead"

"What car do insects drive? A Volkswagen automobile."

"What is the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I don't pay a garbanzo bean $100 to go on my face."

"I don't understand why we give bad kids coal. Isn't coal what minors want?"

"I like my coffee how I like my life Once thrilling, but now a mundane daily ritual that has me questioning what I ever found enjoyable about it to begin with."

"What would a porno be like? Lots of clicking and snapping?"

"No thanks, flu shot. I look forward to three days off from work and returning looking like I was on a diet for six weeks."

"Barack Obama has a long one, George Bush has a short one, Lorde doesn't have one and Pope Francis doesn't use his... Last names. What were you expecting?"