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Joke of the Day

"My angry wife controls everything. She even said I had to stop eating candy at work... ... so I had to fire her"

"Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes."

"People often accuse me of ""stealing other's jokes"" and being ""a plagiarist."" (Their words, not mine)"

"Whats the difference between a brown noser and a shithead? Depth Perception"

"According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can."

"A teacher tells the class whoever answers her next question can go home. A boy throws his bag out the window Teacher: ""Who just threw that?!"" Boy: ""Me. I'm going home now."""

"Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o'clock Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o'clock]: I'm just gonna nap for an hour then"

"There are two kinds of people in this world... Those that can extrapolate from an incomplete statement,"

"Him: Damn, girl, are you a math textbook? Her: No, why? Him: 'Cause you have a lot of fuckin' problems."

"What kind of tree grows in your hand? A palm tree."