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Joke of the Day

"I'm not a violent person, but I'd happily throat punch the person that decided baby clothes needed a minimum of 20 buttons."

"if i ever become a dad my thing is gonna be sayin ""spoiler alert"" to my kid& then pointing at cars w/ spoilers. thats gonna be my dadphrase"

"Why did the chicken cross the road? To see his friend Gregory Peck."

"I just got off the phone with a charity that wanted my old clothes for folks starving in Africa. Well, I think it is a scam. Anyone that can wear my clothes sure ain't starving."

"Dick Van Dyke's real name.. Penis Van Lesbian"

"I like my women how I like my math problems: Short, easy, and with no imaginary parts."

"A Conductor ... What do you call a part time conductor ?? . . . a *semiconductor*"

"69% of people... find something dirty in every fucking sentence."

"What does an optimist call the World Trade Center? San Diego."

"if you're literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I've got some news for you"