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Joke of the Day

"I don't talk about my ex's because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they're dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me."

"Beer is so smart that if you drink enough, right around your midsection, it builds a shelf for you to rest bottles on."

"5-year-old: I can't finish my lunch. I don't feel good. Me: OK, then no ice cream. 5-year-old: I'm sick, not dead."

"Q: You are traveling into the past, what one thing would you bring back? SEXY. I am so getting an A on this History paper."

"Hey Girl Scout, let your mom handle my cookie transaction. I don't have all day to watch you practice math."

"""You're telling me that I'm losing my job because Trump won the election? IS IT BECAUSE I'M BLACK?!"" ""Mister President, we've been over this..."""

"If you watch an Apple store get robbed... Are you an iWitness?"

"I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn."

"I like to pride myself on knowing whether it's Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum."

"If you want to use excessive force and get away with it too. Just join your local police force."