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Joke of the Day

"{Working as a bouncer} ID please *looks* Okay you can go *softly kisses their forehead first*"

"Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981."

"The NY Jets website is down... apparently they can't put together 3 w's"

"When I give people a tour of my bedroom, I like to say, ""And this is where the magic happens,"" followed by a sad, ""... magic isn't real."""

"Got a white noise app to help me sleep but its just a recording of guys talking about golf, Dockers, Whole Foods, & the new Coldplay album.."

"How do you get a blonde on the roof? Say the drinks are on the house"

"Why is Donald Trump always biting his fingers? Because they look just like Vienna sausages."

"Saw a blonde taking a milk bath... I said: Is it pasturized? She said: No silly, it's only up to my tits."

"I've spent the last hour masturbating on the couch. This psychiatrist seems to be taking a lot of notes."

"Working title for the new Tyler Perry movie? Alex Crossdresser"