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Joke of the Day

"Haters gonna hate. Tweeters gonna tweet. It's actually pretty obvious that verbs are performed by their respective nouns."

"i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative"

"What do you call a black guy flying a plane? A pilot you racist bastard."

"Are jokes about Islam funny? Absolutely, they're a blast."

"The only lie Republicans haven't told about Obama is he's white."

"Have you heard the one about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil."

"My favorite kinds of people are sandwiches."

"I want a girl who asks me to do things that I have to Google."

"Daughter: How was your day, Daddy? Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines. Her: DEAD LIONS!?!"

"Did you hear Bruce Willis tried to overdose on viagra? He wanted to Die Hard."