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Joke of the Day

"Yesterday I came out of the closet. Then realized I should probably stop masturbating in my closet."

"Yesterday, my Muslim friend ask me if I want to breakfast together It was stupid to wait at his door on 9am."

"Friend: ""This is the year I'm going to marry my best friend."" Me: ""This is the year I'm going to train my dog to come when I call him."""

"Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir? Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods."

"What did the bullied microchip say? PIC on someone your own size!"

"The day Facebook adds an option that you can like that someone liked something, I quit the internet forever."

"How do you pleasure a capitalist? An invisible handjob."

"Two men walk into a bar. The third man ducks."

"I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, ""people."""

"If it weren't for Abraham Lincoln, America really would have gone South."