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Joke of the Day

"My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night... She nearly took my fucking eye out."

"Why did the philanthropist learn how to subtract? Because he wanted to make a difference. My first original, time for open mic!"

"Q: What two states are opposites? A: Maryland and Misury"

"A Horse Walks Into A Bar And the bartender says ""Why the long face?"" The horse replies, ""My alcoholism is destroying my family"""

"How's anal like your first car? (x-post from r/funny) You don't really want it, but your dad gives it to you anyways. (From Dark Humor on FB)"

"Italian moms vs. Jewish moms At dinner the Italian mom says to their children, ""eat..eat.. or I'll kill you!"" Where as the Jewish mom says, ""eat... eat.. or I'll kill myself!"""

"In British Columbia, why can't you take a picture of a man with a wooden leg? Because he wooden like it."

"My girlfriend asked me to get her a cold drink. Apparently cough syrup wasn't what she was after."

"(My favourite joke when I was a kid) Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil."

"Due to unfortunate circumstances, I am currently sober."