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Joke of the Day

"My girlfriend asked me to get her a cold drink. Apparently cough syrup wasn't what she was after."

"Who has the biggest duck in Compton? A tripod"

"What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter, its not going to come anyways"

"I just put on sine trousers I haven't worn since a wedding in 2001. I found a Nokia 3210 in the pocket... It still had 2 bars of battery. *some trousers"

"I have an EpiPen... My friend gave it to me as he was dying...It seemed pretty important to him that I have it, I'll cherish it always. edit: grammar"

"Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked? Me: Sorry I was busy W: Doing what? *cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit* Me: Uh.."

"What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? 30 pounds. (and then the female come-back): What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes!"

"What do you call a cheap circumcision? a rip-off :)"

"Dollar Tree clerk asked me to fill out a survey to maybe win a $500 gift card and I was like I don't need to own a whole dollar store thanks"

"I lost 130 pounds of useless fat! Divorce is great!"