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Joke of the Day

"A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket... and says ""Oh dammit some asshole has my pen!"""

"Me: We need some ham. Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday. Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?"

"*still doesn't understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*"

"What is an assassin's favorite element? What is an assassin's favorite elem- Surprise! (it is much better when spoken, but I'm proud of it)"

"so two elderly grapes are talking then one of the grapes says, is it just me or are you looking a bit prune?"

"Hey Febreze, I don't go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some."

"If you're a comedian named Luke and your 1st album isn't named Luke Who's Talking, I don't even know why you got into this game at all."

"Wife: why are you smiling? [realizing if Blue from Blue's Clues and Clifford had puppies they'd be purple] Me: I was thinking about you."

"Did you hear about the ice cream man that committed suicide? He topped himself."

"How can you tell if your wife is dead? [NSFW] The sex is the same but the dishes pile up. Didn't make this up, credit goes to the morning show I was listening to this morning."