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Joke of the Day

"How can you tell if your wife is dead? [NSFW] The sex is the same but the dishes pile up. Didn't make this up, credit goes to the morning show I was listening to this morning."

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"I have no job, no car, and I live with my parents. Making a Tinder profile as a teenager is difficult."
"School report My hot history teacher told me I have to give her a one on one report on 'deep throat'. Long story short I got expelled and btw what the fuck is 'watergate'?!?!?!"
"My Bill Cosby impression use to get me laughs at the bar... ...but now when I do it, I end up with a criminal record."
"Why do Australians have a well balanced walk? They've a chip on both shoulders"
"What is Macaulay Culkin's favorite cheese? Provolone"
"They say you have safety in numbers... Sure, tell *that* to 6,000,000 Jews. [Source](http://youtu.be/Rzb_p1mRW1M?t=4m48s) I really recommend watching the entire video though, it's hilarious."
"Everybody is somebody else's weirdo."
"What do you get when you mix a rooster with peanut butter? A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth."
"Two nuns are riding bicycles down a bumpy road... One turns to the other and say ""I never came this way before""."