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Joke of the Day

"Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match. Me: When can you operate? *lighting a candle* Doctor: When we find you a new liver."

"A man walks into a bar and notices two things: 1. there's a line. 2. The daily special is a Cranberry & Vodka. So he gets into the punch-line."

"What the difference between a filthy bus station and a crab with implants? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean ......"

"""You home?"" -scariest text you can get"

"Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%"

"My biggest fear is racists. And blacks."

"An average person has sex 300 times a year. The next 10 days are gonna be sick."

"Somewhere there's a cat named Pablo Picatso, and that's what keeps me going you guys."

"What do you call a fake piece of spagetti? An impasta"

"""Honey, it's not that I don't like your cooking, it's just that the smoke's about to asphyxiat our family."" ""WHAT'D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??"""