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Joke of the Day

"I have to make a best man's speech at my brother's wedding next month. I need a few jokes to liven up my speech. Any ideas?"

"Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I'm bored of paying for things"

"Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don't like being that guy holding two purses."

"I told my ex she was cross between a rare coin and female dog. A two faced bitch."

"Me: Siri, did you know millions of people misquote you on Twitter every day? Siri: Tim, I want your polish sausage."

"Two sowing machines are sitting in a bar.. And one says, *""Are you a singer?""* Then the other replies, *""Why? Janome?""*"

"Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?"

"I was gonna go on a double date the other day... But in the end I couldn't find three other people to go with me."

"How did Hitler tie his shoes? With little nazis."

"If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it's because no one else wanted them."