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Joke of the Day

"Don't even talk to me about how badass you are until you've seen how many ketchup packets i've stolen over the years"

"Rock stars are always hitting the people they date.... Because they want everything to be a smashing success. After I wrote this, I'm reevaluating my life."

"snapchat conversations are hard because eventually you just run out of selfie poses so you end up taking pictures of the couch or something"

"Two condoms walk by a gay bar . . . . . . one looks to the other and says, ""Hey, wanna get shitfaced?"""

"If that's his reaction to spinach, Popeye should never try cocaine."

"What's the difference between a hooker and your wife? You pay the hooker and she does what you want. And you pay your wife and she does what she wants."

"How can Rihanna tell when Chris Brown's cheating on her? The brand of makeup on his knuckle isn't hers."

"I'm gonna play on a Slip n' Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero"

"Why was the clumsy vegetable farmer a good dj? Because he dropped the beet."

"What do you call a flexible Rastafarian who lies a lot? Cinnamon twist"