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Joke of the Day

"How many pancakes can you fit into a dog house? None because ice cream doesn't have bones."

"Her: Couldn't you have picked a better record to beat? Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There's no way this can end badly, Susan."

"People say... People say I'm not a fun loving person. Well some nights I am, some I'm not. That's all folks! I'll be sitting on the bleachers if any one needs me!"

"""I'm gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can."" - Toddlers"

"What time is it when a clock strikes thirteen? Time to get it fixed."

"One time I called my teacher ""mom"" and she looked so confused and said ""I'm not your mom."" It made the rest of homeschooling really awkward."

"What's the hardest part about skydiving? The ground."

"Why was 1 all salty? Someone told him it was 2's day."

"Because of Twitter, people use words like Twitterverse, Tweeple, and Twitcide. Which makes me want to twoot myself in the face."

"[restaurant] WAITER: And to drink? ME: I'll have a coke and a pepsi. WAITER: Is pep...um...Is cok...ok...Is...I...what.. *waiter spontaneously combusts*"