212979

Joke of the Day

"Because of Twitter, people use words like Twitterverse, Tweeple, and Twitcide. Which makes me want to twoot myself in the face."

"A maybe original one-liner ""I put blood, sweat, and tears into my work,"" said the disgusting bartender."

"Well this should spice things up. I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me."

"After my friend passed away I got his sibling a parrot to soften the blow. I also taught it to say, ""Dave, it's your brother. Reincarnation is real!"""

"It's a good thing I keep condoms in my backpack because midterms have been fucking me all week"

"Where do nazis go on vacation? The holocoast."

"What's the average lifespan of an owl? About six and a half books."

"WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria's Secret] OMG ME: It's not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale WIFE: Oh thank God"

"Parallel lines have so much in common It's a shame they'll never meet"

"There's no ""u"" in employee. You're fired."