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Joke of the Day

"what kind of pants does a monkey wear? ma-khakis"

"What's dumber than three blondes building a house underwater? Three brunettes trying to burn it down."

"When it comes to Arab countries, the US is like that damaged girl who dates bad boys, ""because I can change him."""

"I found a TV on the sidewalk in front of a house. The owner had left a note. ""Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full."" I thought to myself, ""I can't turn that down!"""

"There are two types of people in life Those that pee in the shower And Liars!"

"The real meaning of Halloween gets lost in all the marketing. Most people don't even know Jesus fought a dragon, let alone why."

"Cop: Freeze! Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden's bottomless pasta bowl* Rookie: We gotta go after him! Cop: No. He's gone."

"How long does it take Putin to give his car an oil change? Nyet long. He's always Russian."

"[infomercial] ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?! AUDIENCE: YES! *a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*"

"Optimus Prime: so it's settled. I'll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you're a camaro. Any questions? [Dan the station wagon raises his hand]"