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Joke of the Day

"What's the difference between Peter Parker and Basic White Girls? Parker gets paid for his selfies."

"[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands] Oh dear god not again"

"I bet if Amy Winehouse had changed her name to Amy Lemonadehouse, she'd still be alive today."

"Obama: Dave, it's Barack, we have an updog situation at the white house. Cameron: What's updog? *Obama high fives entire oval Office*"

"What do you call a scary prostitute? Horrifying."

"If a kid refuses to sleep during nap time... ...are they guilty of resisting a rest?"

"*rearranges Nana's body so she's dabbing* She would've wanted it this way."

"If I had a fake leg it would be a see-thru plastic one full of jelly beans and I'd only charge kids a dime for a handful like the old days."

"I just ran out of tissues... Lately, it's been coming in handy"

"I need another name for a dinosaur. I should consult the Thesaurus."