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Joke of the Day

"Why did everyone bring a quiche to Sean Connery's party? It was leave your keys at the door."

"""Mom, I hate the word, 'Hemorrhoid'. It's like a weird planet. Hi,I'm Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!"" -my 12yr old"

"What do you call a robot doing the Gangnam Style dance? A Psy-borg."

"People who put ""Retired"" on their Linked In acct: I'm not certain you've grasped the site."

"It's 2012. We're supposed to have flying cars and stuff. But no... Just pajamas that look like jeans."

"Why do Canadian women use hockey pucks instead of tampons? Because they last for 3 periods."

"My NY friends complain I never have to shovel in LA. Yeah? You think these heaps of broken dreams will get off the sidewalk themselves?"

"What's the plural of Ebola West Africa Credit goes to /u/Malfunkdung"

"Damn girl are you my dad? Because you're not there"

"I saw a midget carrying a TV out of Best Buy I asked, ""Hey, do you need help with that flat-screen?"" He replied, ""Fuck off, this is a Kindle!"""