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Joke of the Day
"Why did everyone bring a quiche to Sean Connery's party? It was leave your keys at the door."
Next Joke
"Chad always has an impeccable fashion sense, even when he's not trying People ask him how he does it and he tells them, ""Well, I didn't stay in the closet all those years for nothing""."
"Cannibal kid... ...is walking home, chanting: ""I'm hungry, hungry, hungry!"" Half an hour later, he leaves the house, chanting: ""I'm an orphan, an orphan, an orphan!"""
"he doesnt always use the internet, but when he does, he shares recipes & inspiratiomal quotes. he is..the most pinteresting man in the world"
"If you've watched the scene in Platoon where he gets shot in the back 44 times. You've pretty much seen my reaction to a wedding invite."
"I'm exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I'm slurring my words."
"How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning."
"Boss: HR wants to see you Me: What for? Boss: Mandatory drug test Me: Oh man, I really can't do any more drugs after the weekend I had"
"Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they're not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them."
"[red carpet] ""So Ryan, who are u with tonight?"" Ryan Gosling [proudly] ""My parents"" [two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]"