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Joke of the Day

"If you've watched the scene in Platoon where he gets shot in the back 44 times. You've pretty much seen my reaction to a wedding invite."

"It's not that Trump is a traitor. He's an ""alternative patriot."""

"Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth."

"China must be a huge sausage-fest by now."

"Similar to the mile high club, Whats it called when you jack off in an airplane? It's still the mile high club, but its just the single aviator's division."

"The How I Met Your Mother series will end tonight & everyone is thinking the same thing...if only it were The Big Bang Theory instead."

"My coworker was like ""I love kids! Can't finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!"" And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5."

"A gay black guy, a Jewish midget and a gypsy jump off the Empire State Building at the same time. Who hits the ground first? Who gives a shit?"

"*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*"

"Did you notice the difference between Trump's inauguration and Obama's? Trump's crowd paled in comparison."