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Joke of the Day

"A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience"

"Jesus may have walked on water but Steven Hawking runs.. ..on batteries."

"Why did Billy not care who he offended while posting on the internet? Because the ends justify the memes"

"I swear I only have sex standing up.. I'm not fucking laying!"

"Yo momma so fat, the closer you get to her, the slower time passes for you in relation to an observer outside her gravitational pull."

"Did you hear about the paperboy who masturbated on the job? It was all over the news! (Can't remember where I heard this, so sorry if its a repost)"

"Extra car key Extra house key Extra storage unit key Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet - Keys to a successful relationship"

"I want to write a tweet that is so offensive that it reduces my followers to zero."

"A poem by Stevie Wonder Roses are black Violets are black Everything is black I can't see."

"Why was the guy with the foot fetish in a bad neighborhood? Because he heard it was the place to get toes."