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Joke of the Day

"Pft damn police.... The lady down the street stands in her window naked watching me jerk off and *I'm* the pervert."

"Wrote Santa A letter asking for a baby brother Wrote Santa a letter asking for a baby brother. Santa wrote back... ""Send me your mother"""

"How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It's a pretty obscure number, you've probably never heard of it."

"The pope secretly came to my house. He thought it was weird that I had so many Blu-rays still in the shrink wrap. I'll get around to them!"

"How do you know if you are having a good time? When you throw your knickers against the wall, and they stay there."

"What happens when you get a lot of electroshocks within a short period of time? It hertz."

"men: women are very hard to read women: actually, we just want- men: such complex creatures women: if u just liste- men: so mysterious"

"I used to be a door to door vacuum salesman... That shit sucked."

"Santa's lap isn't the only place wishes come true."

"HER: You've run over my dog ME: I'm so sorry HER: You're gonna have to replace him ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please"