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Joke of the Day

"Wrote Santa A letter asking for a baby brother Wrote Santa a letter asking for a baby brother. Santa wrote back... ""Send me your mother"""

"My wife's signature move is asking me a question then turning on the faucet when I answer."

"Helium walks into a bar... ...and the bartender says to him, ""We don't serve Noble gasses here!"". Helium... doesn't react."

"I hate in your end. O. (innuendo)"

"A bloke walks into a bar with his gorilla and the barman asks ""What drink can I get you?"" ""Just ice for Harambe"""

"Girl, if I could rearrange the alphabet I probably wouldnt: I'm not that smart and people are already mad at me from other stuff I did"

"Did you hear about the insomniac, dyslexic, obsessive compulsive butcher? He used to lay in bed at night worrying about why he constantly weighed a steak."

"[ad for umbrellas] [cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet] ""There must be a better way!"" Voiceover: UMBRELLAS"

"Replace Steven Tyler with a bear. Bearosmith. Billions and billions of $. I could do this all day, you guys. Hire me."

"My daughter can be so cruel... Her: Hey dad, what is the difference between broccoli and boogers? Me: I don't know, what? Her (pointing at me): YOU, don't eat your broccoli!"