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Joke of the Day

"I have a problem with people that are missing body parts. I guess I might just be lack-toes-intolerant."

"Attention people who aren't employees: you should wash your fucking hands too."

"What do you call an abusive pothead? A weed whacker."

"A pen and a pencil race. Who won? The Pencil. He lead from start to finish."

"When I was a kid, I used to dream about swimming in an ocean of orange soda. Now I realize that it was just a fanta-sea."

"Sometimes i feel like the flat bread option at subway because I'm always available but no one ever wants me to hang out with"

"Jesus, don't take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up. *hands cup of water* DON'T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN"

"Sometimes I put a ""for sale"" sign in my neighbor's yard and pray the power of suggestion works."

"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60, she's 97 today... and we don't know where the fuck she is."

"My neighbor knocked on my door at 2am last night. 2 am! Can you believe it? How rude. Luckily I was already awake playing my drums."