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Joke of the Day

"Procrastination is a lot like masturbation... It's all great until you realize you're just fucking yourself."

"I was arrested for killing a black man and charged with impersonating an officer"

"I buy every comic book I see. . . My friends say I have lots of issues."

"Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation.. ~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand"

"My patient was refused his organ transplant. But I didn't have the heart to tell him."

"[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week] ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I'm not dead!"

"Obama see title"

"Why was the dyslexic rabbit disappointed when he received the solid gold bar he had ordered via the internet? He thought the ad said '24 carrots'"

"Breaking: Brad and Angelina have broken up. Thousands of kids homeless."

"What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? She gagged"