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Joke of the Day

"There are other people smarter than me and better looking and more talented and richer but what I have that they don't is bitter jealousy."

"What's the difference between a tornado and a divorce in the south? Nothing. Someone's losing a trailer either way."

"What do you call tiny batman? Lil Wayne"

"Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line. Me: That's because I haven't had a land line in 7 years, Ma."

"deer diary: day 67 at hugwerts skool uv wezirdry nd none uv teh studints hav noticd dat my wahnd is an slim jim."

"*Goes to the store* *Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*"

"CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can't figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird"

"This girl just said, ""You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?"" and I was all like, ""Nope."" and walked away."

"This bottle of vodka was on sale. So yes, I will party like it's $19.99."

"If Bob Marley were alive today, what would he listen to music on? An iAndiPod. Just made that one up. I can hear the groans."