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Joke of the Day

"I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod."

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"[OC] What does a blind pessimist say? ""What glass?"""
"How do you know if your friend, ""Doesn't even OWN a TV?"" Because it's this answer to every question you ask them. ""Did you hear about the President's new policy on...?"" ""I don't even OWN a TV!"""
"Stabbed myself in the eye with a yellow pen and now everything looks all Instagramy."
"Sometimes when I play a game on my computer, the screen goes dark and I see my own reflection in the screen and wonder what I am doin with my life ..then the next level starts."
"""...and I would've won if it weren't for you meddling minorities, women, gays, young people..."" - Mitt Romney #ScoobyDooVillain"
"What kind of stretches does a pencil do? Ticondeyoga"
"""Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out"" ""Correct English is 'you've run out of tea'. What else?"" ""You've walked out of wife"""
"DAD: u can grow up to be anything u want ME: imma be a hamster D: ok not that M: *already building an elaborate series of tubes to run thru*"
"What type of shoes do pedophiles wear? White vans"
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