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Joke of the Day

"Was accused of animal abuse for using an electric collar but bitch kept calling it ""domestic violence"""

"One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I'm telling you now."

"For her birthday, my wife wanted something that went from 0 to 80 in 5 seconds. So I got her a weighing machine..."

"Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk."

"A guy walks into a bar holding a dog poop... he says ""hey guys, look what I almost stepped in"""

"""You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck."" - my voicemail message"

"Why couldn't Bach be a rapper? Because he's Baroque."

"If I'm a baker, you're the dough.. I knead you."

"If you still have a landline, I assume you also own a butter churn and ride a dinosaur to work."

"A man came home to find his wife in bed with a stranger. ""What the hell are you two doing?"" He demanded. His wife turned to the stranger and said, ""See, I told you he was stupid."""