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Joke of the Day

"The wind just blew a napkin off my table and down the street. That one's on you, Earth."

"Accidentally sent a guy a ;) instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant."

"I've decided to start a new line of 'extra-shatter' measuring sticks. Because rulers were made to be broken."

"ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman* DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR"

"If there was a hooker named Barbie ... And she was really good at her job, would the line outside her apartment be called the Barbie queue? Edit: spelling"

"I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug."

"99 little bugs in the code, 99 little bugs. Take one down, patch it around... 127 little bugs in the code."

"What kind of pizza do pilots like? Plain."

"Got the cheese sweats. Got the cheese sweats real bad."

"[interview] Ok, don't let them know you're naked ""Why are you naked?"" dammit"