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Joke of the Day

"Dams. The only thing that holds back liquid better... Is the idea of using a port-a-potty. ""Look, I know my pants are brownening and getting wet, but I'll just wait forever -- I CANNOT go in there."""

"Procrastination is a lot like masturbation... It's all great until you realize you're just fucking yourself."

"ROOMMATE: While I'm away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake? ME: Sure [later] ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something"

"And they lived apathetically ever after."

"Exclamation point rules ! - good !! - excited !!! - awesome !!!! - starting to get creepy !!!!! - cheerleader creepy !!!!!! - own 20 cats"

"I could've chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime."

"How was the Irish Jig invented? To much beer and not enough bathrooms"

"You hear about the three guys who died in a flight simulator when a plane crashed in to the building? Apparently jet fuel can't melt irony."

"""Ebola"" is trending on Twitter... ...does that mean it's gone viral?"

"Remember in 90's movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That's what happens when I walk in a buffet."