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Joke of the Day

"""My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other's..."" (silence) (silence) *Russian accent* ""You give me Green Card now, yes?"""

"Potter household Voldemort: knock knock James: who's there? Voldemort: you know James: you know who? Voldemort: correct James: James: Fuck"

"I'm writing a movie script about a group of Kenyan refugees who are breaking track records in a suburban American high school... I call it, ""Fast times at Ridgemont High"""

"What dictator had the best bureaucracy? Idi Admin."

"Q: Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording? A: Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated."

"I found a dog (no joke). If he's yours let me know. Male german shepherd. I am teaching him how to use a gun and drive a motorcycle."

"Raising awareness: Pinatas create unhealthy expectations of levitating rainbow donkeys."

"Find someone who will change your life, not just your relationship status."

"[Riding a saddled turtle] BATTLE TORTOISE, GOOOO!! [turtle just goes normal speed for turtles] Aww man."

"You would think that if you pulled a snail's shell off, then it would be able to move faster. I tried it, but they seem to be more sluggish."