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Joke of the Day

"[Riding a saddled turtle] BATTLE TORTOISE, GOOOO!! [turtle just goes normal speed for turtles] Aww man."

"I see London, I see France! (I'm looking at Google maps)"

"I'm 1% inspiration, 1% perspiration, 98% masturbation."

"Computer helpline? Everytime I log onto the seven dwarfs website my computer screen goes snow white...."

"What do you call a person who sexually identifies as a Xenomorph? An alie-kin"

"Baby Soldier: Ma'am. Your husband is MIA. Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands* Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too."

"Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor) Me: Mmm, this tastes good. Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!"

"What did O say to Q? ""Hey! Put that thing back in your pants!"""

"Hey, I'll sleep when I'm dead. Also tonight."

"I remember when I was a kid, at dinner my parents gave me a knife and fork, so I'd bang them on the table.. ..We were quite an incestuous family."