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Joke of the Day

"[Riding a saddled turtle] BATTLE TORTOISE, GOOOO!! [turtle just goes normal speed for turtles] Aww man."

"What`s the definition of eternity? The time between when you come and when she leaves."

"If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe's poker table you're too mature for me."

"What's the most useful material? Scratch. You can make anything from scratch."

"Why do fish always sing off key? You can't tuna fish."

"I bought a bowflex, it's very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?"

"""Hey, mate, rumors have it that you won a car in a lottery, wanna hang out sometimes?"" ""Yeah, it's mostly true, except it was a house, not a car. And poker, not lottery. And lost, not won""."

"What does a bee say before it stings you ? This is going to hurt me a lot more than it hurts you !"

"a bum came up to me once and said ""sticking your junk in the snow is what necrophilia feels like"" ok"

"The vet told me ""I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to put your dog down."" ""Oh God!"" I said. ""WHY?!"" ""Because my arms are getting tired."""