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Joke of the Day

"Plumbing My German plumber accidentally hooked up the gas pipes to my shower.... I guess old habits die hard."

"Boss: What's your five-year goal? Me: Paid administrative leave."

"Pretty sure that ""Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory"" is the kid's version of ""Saw""."

"A lot of people ask me ""why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?"""

"why does the mexican take xanax? For hispanic attacks"

"I used to do this impression where I was a blind anaesthetist; stopped 'cause the audience wasn't feelin' it and I couldn't see the point."

"Did you hear about the guy who escaped from a lunatic asylum, raped a bunch of old women in a laundrette then ran away? The newspaper headlines the next day read: #**NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS**#"

"I don't mind when a waitress says, ""Is Pepsi fine?"" when I ask for some coke. But when my drug dealer says it, it's kind of annoying"

"Old man Manelli is cooking a chicken on a rotisserie in his front stoop When a hippy walks by. He stops, looks up and says: ""Hey man! The music stopped and your monkeys on fire"""

"Thor, upon his mighty steed, approaches his enemy, Thanos. Thanos asks ""Who might you be?"" ""I AM THORRRR!!!"" His horse perks up and says ""Well, then wear a thaddle thilly."""