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Joke of the Day

"Why are piggy banks actually pigs? To keep Jews away from your money."

"I fucked a girls butthole."

"I would like to learn more about frequencies But whenever I try to measure it, it only Hertz"

"[Ouija board] O spirits, let me talk to m- C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I *squints* What the heck? A 3G board?"

"What happens when Captain America drinks water? He becomes hydrated."

"Why do I praise Neo? Because I'm autistic xD XDXD"

"A lot of people don't realize that Shania Twain's father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer."

"When I don't approve of another shopper's groceries in the checkout line, I just use one of those separator bars to sweep them to the floor"

"What is 12 inches long and keeps a woman up screaming all night? Sudden infant death syndrome."

"I wondered if my wife was asleep so I held my phone a foot over her face and turned it on. Then I dropped it onto her nose. She's awake now."