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Joke of the Day

"TIL Hours before Edison died , he came out of coma , opened his eyes and said ""It is very beautiful over there"" Well tesla said it first anyways."

"I have this joke about Ebola... But you probably wouldn't get it."

"I'm white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white."

"We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies... and idiots!"

"You won't believe how these like-minded high schoolers are luring new student victims! Clique Bait"

"If President Bernie Sanders were to die in office... And an elaborate homage to Weekend at Bernie's was undertaken to cover up that fact, he'd still have less strings than Hillary Clinton."

"I'm so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign. And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit."

"When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I'm going to ask him for some dating advice."

"Hey guys. I think I've found Liam Neeson in these toilets. Shhh listen, every time I bash on the door he yells, ""This one's Taken 2."""

"Why roboticize vacuuming? It's all instant gratification. It's the crack of cleaning."