8671

Joke of the Day

"When I was a kid I made all of my toys watch Toy Story so that they knew I was on to them."

"Some dude just yelled at me for texting and driving...I told him to get off my hood and mind his own business."

"What's worse than waking up with a boner? Realizing it's not yours."

"Daffy-nition for indefinitely... .... ... Indefinitely (adv.) In def in it lee .... .... .... When your balls are slapping up against her ass you're in definitely!"

"Just watched The Martian I found it odd that NASA would commission SpaceX to make the Iris probe."

"Why do men sound like they're having an orgasm when they're lifting weights? And why is my father lifting weights in the bathroom?"

"In the beginning there was nothing... Then God said ""Let there be light!"" And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better. Edit: Credit to Ellen DeGeneris."

"If you've never heard a 9 minute version of ""Girl From Ipanema"", then you weren't just inside my head while my co-worker was talking to me."

"Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???"

"Who is the least guilty U.S. President? Lincoln. He's in a cent!"