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Joke of the Day

"Who's your favorite comedian? Friend: who's your favorite comedian Me:Donald Trump Friend:why? Me:Everybody knows Donald trump is a joke"

"If I commit suicide, it'll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times."

"If this guy calls me ""sweetie"" one more time I SWEAR I'll continue to pleasantly smile and nod."

"Always identify who to blame in an emergency."

"Someone once told me that nothing rhymes with orange ... I said, ""no it doesn't...."""

"I have a fetish fetish. Things that turn me on turn me on."

"Egyptians don't walk like that."

"My Jewish friend invited me to go to his camp. Fuck that."

"Did you guys hear about that weird snapchat knockoff that only lets you send pictures of sausages? It has the wurst ratings."

"[Judas standing alone waiting to be picked for dodgeball] -Come on it was one time guys *Jesus drags the CPR dummy to his side of the gym*"