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Joke of the Day

"Why don't you see hippos hiding in trees? Because they're really good at it."

"What do terrorists and the England football team have in common? They will never win"

"I'm so sick of being constipated... I'm completely losing my shit"

"The dentist said to his patient, ""This is going to hurt a little."" The patient replied, ""It's ok doc, I'm ready."" The dentist went on, ""I've been having an affair with your wife for a while now."""

"I hate when I take a nap on a park bench and everyone assumes I homeless. People with houses get tired, too."

"Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they're the type to corner & chat me up and I don't know what to do HI LAURA"

"Sometimes I wish I could be one of my friends for 1 day, to see how it is to hang out with me.."

"Fat, single and ready for a pringle!"

"So I was having sex the other day... I thought I was doing a great job because her toes kept curling, then I realized she was still wearing panty-hose..."

"Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing] 7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON'T HAFTA BE ALONE Me: [sigh] Thanks bud."