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Joke of the Day

"The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here."

"What did the left butt cheek say to the right? If we stick together we can stop this shit."

"A pirate has a steering wheel attached to his crotch. As he walks down the street someone notices and asks ""Doesn't that hurt?"" The pirate replies, ""Arr, it drives me nuts."""

"How many black Oscar nominees would it take (compared to white nominees) to satisfy the boycotters? Three-fifths as many seems like a generous offer."

"Jokes about the blind aren't funny. Can't people see that?"

"Cop: we know you're in there. Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France. Cop: when will you be back? Me: je ne comprends pas"

"I'm just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day...it may be time to trim things up a bit."

"What goes on forever with no head? A loveless marriage."

"I hurt my back... ...and the head of HR asked me if I was limping. Apparently it is NOT OK to say ""Naw, just working on my pimp walk"". :)"

"I used to be passive aggressive but now I'm aggressively passive. Don't mess with me, idiot. I'll sit right here. I'll f*cking forgive you."