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Joke of the Day

"What do you call a self-absorbed trumpet player? Brasshole"

"What did the judge ask when he went to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?"

"I remember this from a Monty Python ""My dog has no nose!"" Says one man. His friend asks ""well how does he smell?"" ""Stinky!"""

"My wife gets a bit irritated when I talk about my second and third marriage because, you know, she's my first."

"It doesn't matter how hard you think you are. When a toddler hands you their ringing toy cell phone, you'll still answer it."

"After spending twenty minutes making up outrageous symptoms, WebMD diagnosed me immature, and an asshole."

"Men are like pillows. Eventually even the best ones get soft and lumpy."

"When do hamburgers most enjoy watching TV? During PRIME time!"

"CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas- *scuffle noises* ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?"

"Him: I love nerd girls Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can't feel water, only a change in temperature? Him: no. not like that."