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Joke of the Day

"My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though."

"I've been texting this cute dyslexic girl. I think she likes me, but she keeps sending mixed messages."

"Pink Panther was looking for his friend's apartment. He drives into a street and suddenly drives out. It was a Dead-end. Dead-end. Dead-end dead-end dead-end dead-end dead-ennnnd..."

"Don't use up the last of the milk! Leave just enough in there to piss somebody off."

"Islamic Settlers of Catan Everytime you get a sheep you also get wood"

"As a guy, it's not that I have anything against psychiatric wards... I'm just afraid of commitment."

"I would make a sexist joke but... That would be wrong, and being wrong is for women."

"My main job as a husband is to taste things that my wife thinks taste like they've gone bad and tell her if they taste bad."

"Since it's impossible to know which period of my life is the middle, I've decided to have an ongoing crisis."

"i cant get a dog because it will give strangers an excuse to talk to me"