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Joke of the Day

"What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water? I can't get hard, I just got laid!"

"I heard that you only use like 10% of your brain. That leaves what, 82-83%?"

"[son falls over & hurts himself] ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC WIFE: don't you mean TLC? ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?"

"Baby sister told me this one attn Harry Potter fans Sister: ""Harry's godfathers middle name should be 'Lee'"" Me:""wait, whose the godfather?"" Sister: ""Sirius Black"" Took me a minute."

"What do vegetables say when they go to party's? TURNUP!"

"A photon checks into a hotel... ...and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. He says, ""No I'm traveling light."""

"I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in."

"I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident."

"From school to work, I've spent the majority of my life staring out a window, waiting to leave."

"How does a farmer count cows? with a cow-calculator."