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Joke of the Day

"I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc."

"""You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder."" ""Look, I'm a lot of things--"" ""Are you a murderer?"" [bites lower lip] ""Little bit."""

"How did the stoner die? Blunt force trauma."

"You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet."

"If these seasonal allergies don't kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will."

"Why did Carrie Fisher enjoy doing her one-woman show? Because she nailed that Solo."

"What did the meter sticks say to the lonely ruler? You just don't belong."

"How can you tell Voldemort used the bathroom before you? He leaves a dark mark"

"A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM"

"Congrats to Lindsay Lohan for successfully portraying what happens to mean girls after high school."