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Joke of the Day

"Why is Bieber never late? because he's always justin time"

"If there's ever an apocalypse, you'll recognize me because I'll be the zombie wearing flip flops"

"This might be my ego talking, but I feel my weight-loss spambot followers care about me. They really, really, do."

"How can you tell if you have a high sperm count? If she has to chew before she swallows."

"I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy. I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her."

"Bernie Sanders walks into a bar and he redistributes all of the drinks until everyone has the same amount of alcohol ..."

"Does anyone smell that up dog?"

"How does a handwriting analyst determine how his lover is feeling? He looks into his lover's 'I's."

"(gym) Me: *tries to lift dumbbell *drops it Trainer: COME ON! IT'S NOT THAT HEAVY! Me: I know, it's just this KFC grease making it slip"

"The Seven Wonders of the ancient world were: Chuck Norris' left and right hands, his left and right feet, his belly button, his liver, and his beard."